5 May 2026
There was no capacity to influence the course of desolate’s subjection. Believe it, I tried with all of might.
Omitted from the agreement consciousness made with inevitability, I was effectively alienated. This was the empty after the last game. I knew this because you can’t debate death at the door when you know it knocked, and I knew.
I didn’t like any of it. Whatever was going on, it was all wrong. In the same darkness, I knew this was no mistake. The ‘I’ of identity detached from the experiencing eye, erasing what was left of ‘dentity’, of my density, to the most granulated form of sense-ity in front of my consciousness. It was excruciating.
eeing Su dissipate, every last molecule of memory. I, or rather the conscious ‘Eye’ tried to hold onto basic things like Su’s hair colour, the face of her mother, the voice of her twin, her name. Eye experienced as one experiences in sleep paralysis–a paralysis with dialogue.
Eye had to return. Eye couldn’t let go, there was just no chance. Eye couldn’t accept this, even though eye had no concept of what eye was returning to–to the was before this. Eye was stripped to an infinitesimal cell, and eye was loud. But there was no measure of terror enough in my screams that existed to convince the realm that my being here was a mistake (eye knew somewhere that this was a contingency and I hated it).
I had this unsquanderable knowing that this, this was just all wrong. There was an inevitability to it all nonetheles, and that was a source of anguish–such a reduction finally manifested through powder.
No less than eons passed, in this painfully conscious beyond-death.
Buthere wasn’t exactly nothing. With no property to reflect the ownership of this consciousness, Eye wasn’t even but a cell. That being said, Eye was still closer to a something than a nothing, and Eye wasn’t alone. There were others, like me, apart of this conveyor belt in space that was full of us/them. Eye wondered if they had all surrendered, or if we were all as active and inactive as sleep paralysis, but multiply it to an eternal power of root. The helplessness and doom was unbearable, but the thing about unbearability is that you would need to know the comparison to the barable, and I was estranged too far that zero history was normal.
with A moment arrived, with no hesitation, when only surrender was left in letting go of the last nano-particle of aim. Something other than fight: defeat. Acceptance tormented out of (me after I) lost. It was such grim circumstance, that choice presented it’s amoeba shape before me, for the first time in eternity Eye saw the possibility of end. It started at embrace.
Undead but not quite alive either, Eye knew I ought to wake up, before I did. I awoke from the near-death experience. At no defining point did consciousness break between the two states. I was consciously dead, and that was an unconscious choice. Eternity–just 30 minutes away.